For a long time, I wanted to set up this friend of mine.
She’s attractive, smart, and an overall great catch. But every time we talked about love, dating, and possibly setting her up, she’d respond with,
At first I thought, Okay,
maybe she’s just not ready. But then one year passed. Three years. Five years.
It’s been six years, and she’s still single. While there’s nothing wrong with being single, my friend does want
to be with someone, but she does nothing about it, instead always saying, “I’ll leave things to fate.” As she’s closed off to being remotely proactive in love, I’ve stopped broaching the topic. Instead, I’ve
moved on to set up other friends — one of whom has since entered a stable, happy relationship last year, due to Ken and I.
How much of a role does fate play in love? Do we truly have no role to play when it comes to love? Today, I’d
like to share five common myths that may be preventing you from finding your “one”:
Myth #1: I’ll leave love to fate
While I was reading your responses to my recent survey on finding love, I noticed some
of you adopt an external locus of control when it comes to love. “External locus of control” means having a worldview that things are out of one’s control and
one doesn’t have a role to play in said outcome. In this case, views like…
In these cases, these individuals do want
love, they do want to be in a blissful relationship, but do not see themselves playing any role in making this happen.
Yet, the question comes to, “How much of a role do we play in finding love?”
I can’t give you a definite answer, but it’s definitely not 0%. It’s also not 10%. From my experience, it can go anywhere from 40~% (myself) to as much as 99% (where my friends and clients have made pivotal moves that led to them finding
their partners today).
Have you heard of “quantum entanglement”? It’s a physical phenomenon first revealed in 1935 in a paper by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen. They discovered pairs
of photons, or “entangled” photons, connected by a strange link.
Apparently, when you separate individual photons in a pair, you can always infer the polarization of one photon by measuring that of its counterpart.
So meaning if you have two photons (A and B), and photon A changes in polarization, the polarization of photon B will change too, to match that of A’s — regardless of how far apart they are.
if B knew that A has changed… despite the vast distance between them, despite there being no known way for them to communicate.
The invisible link between paired photons, unexplainable even by physicists today [More on
quantum entanglement: 1, 2, 3]
When I saw this, I immediately thought of soulmates: Two beings with an unexplainable link with each other. Just like you’re a unique individual with your idiosyncrasies and talents, somewhere
out there, there is someone who complements you in his/her own special way. Your parallel. Your yin/yang match. Your partner, to soar with you in life.
Now, when it comes to soulmates, there is this invisible link they share
— all the way from birth (even before that actually; that’s how they were born as soulmates). Even if you don’t believe in soulmates and all this “woo woo” stuff, think of it this way: when you vibrate at your highest
consciousness, one where you’re your highest self and ready for your highest love, you radiate your brightest energy that invisibly attracts people with similar energy. This includes like-minded souls, potential mates, and…
your soulmate. Your ultimate relationship. Your true match.
Example: How I “Attracted” Ken into My Life
Since my early 20s, there were many things I did that helped prepare me for my best relationship. Firstly, living
true to my path, quitting my job to start my business, and doing what I’m meant to do. Secondly, constant work at living true to myself, being my highest self, and being aligned inside and out. Thirdly, going into a serious
deep dive into love and dating when I was 27–28, even entering into some romantic connections, which then helped me to be ready for my eventual relationship with Ken.
By the time I was “done,” my energy was radiating
so brightly that Ken — we were just strangers then — got my “signal” loud and clear. One fine night, at 4:30am, he got a sudden inkling to organize his phone book when he should be sleeping. (Note that
I was in South Africa and him in Singapore, so we were literally 5,400 miles apart.) This was the action that put us back in touch and led us to be together.
Did he need to organize his phone book? No. Why did he do it then? That’s
anyone’s guess, but there were several clues that pointed to this being a synchronicity vs. an “accident”:
- He never organizes his phone book. Ever.
- He was deleting some names and sorting some
names. Then he saw my name under “C” (“Celestine Chua”) and thought of messaging me, even though he wasn’t organizing with the intent to message anyone.
- Up till then, we had never messaged each other. My number had
just been sitting in his phone for the past 4.5 years, probably from my business card.
- Even though we last met 4.5 years ago (passed by each other on a street), he could remember me very vividly. (No, he wasn’t reading my blog then.)
he messaged me, he stopped organizing his phone book and went to sleep. I was the only person he messaged that night.
His innocuous “hi” led to thousands of text exchanges, to us becoming
a couple, to proposal, to marriage. And thus beginning our journey together.
If you ask me, we were drawn into each other’s lives because our consciousness was at the right match. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have
re-acquainted; even if we did, we also wouldn’t be together since we wouldn’t be ready to receive each other yet.
Your Role in Love
While I think most people tend to assume a 0% responsibility in love, I’d like
to suggest the opposite: You have a much bigger role to play in love than you think.
After all, when you’re inert in your love path, you naturally close yourself off from others. You project a closed signal,
or even, no signal. You say you want to be in a relationship (or you wish to deep down), but on the outside you have this huge signboard that says, “Sorry, not interested [in love]. Go away.” This confuses the universe and leaves her
wondering, Errr, what exactly does he/she want?
Since your intentions and actions don’t tally, you manifest misaligned results — jagged, sporadic encounters with men/women that don’t culminate into anything.
For some: toxic, unfulfilling relationships. For others: a barren dating life, as they refuse to be involved in creating their love destiny. Which is really unfortunate, because deep down, you may be a terrific guy/girl, ready
to meet your true love and create the relationship of your life!!
On the other hand, when you take ownership of your love life, suddenly, possibilities open up. Men/women you’ve never met before appear. People ask you
out on dates, more so than usual. (This happened to me when I opened myself up, a year before I met Ken.) You meet more and more compatible men/women.
Because you are conscious of your role in love, you also take proactive, positive actions to attract
your “one.” You start doing things that you don’t normally do, that seem random but are really leading you to your “one.” In turn, leading you to your “one.” ♥ 😀
To quote the site Twinflame Soulmates:
Truth: Sometimes fate is busy;
you need to give her a helping hand. By being proactive in love, it helps to set you on your love path, attract the right people, and open you up to new possibilities in love. 🙂
Myth #2: “Live your life” and love will come
People often harp on the saying, “Live your life and love will come your way.” After all, “live your best life” is one of my tips on finding love. In my soulmate series, I also shared how I was focused on “living my life” when Ken appeared.
While important, there are other parts to the love equation than just “living your
life.” For example, removing your inner blocks to love. Processing emotional baggage (such as from past relationships). Uncovering your singlehood blocks, including fears about love, which many of us have. Processing said fears. Uncovering limiting
beliefs about yourself. Addressing said limiting beliefs. Really opening your heart to love.
Until these are done, these blocks can hinder you in your love journey. Worse still, they may even attract toxic matches, because energetically
you’re at the wrong place!
Before Ken re-entered my life, I was single the whole time. The key reason was because I was very choiceful about who I wanted to be with. I didn’t see a point in being with someone unless I felt
a strong connection and saw potential together. (This person turned out to be Ken.)
Now, there was something else driving my singlehood: my subconscious blockages to love. Note that these blocks were deep blocks,
meaning I didn’t know they existed until I did a deep dive into myself and love. If I hadn’t taken the time to seriously explore myself and love, I would never have uncovered them. These included
- Fear of
being with someone
- Fear of not being good enough
- Feeling unworthy of love
- Innate desire to remain single, despite claiming otherwise
- Sexuality issues
- Lack of confidence in my worth as a woman
- Unclarified image of my ideal partner (I thought I had it smack down since 22–23, but no, I didn’t)
- Fear that I couldn’t find anyone
- Body image issues (Up till my mid-20s)
- Lack of confidence in my true
beauty (Up till my mid-20s)
Energetically, these blocks dimmed my “light.” They “clouded” my aura, making it murky. As a result, they prevented me from radiating at my highest self,
and even brought along a toxic bad connection (which I quickly chopped off). It was after I processed these junk and cleared my “stuff” that my aura could radiate at its highest level and draw Ken in (see Myth #1). If I didn’t
clear these blocks, I don’t think I would have been able to attract Ken back into my life.
If you’ve been single for a while, or you consistently attract bad connections, it’s possible that you’re dealing with such
blocks. Now, everyone’s blocks is different, specific to you and your story. You want to ask yourself, “Why am I attracting X people? / Why am I not attracting my desired match?”, “Is there anything blocking me in love?”
and “How can I address these blocks?” These will help you get started in uncovering these blocks.
(In Soulmate Journey, I’ll be working with
you to uncover your individual love blocks and address them, so that you can exude your best energy and attract the right one for you.)
Truth: “Live your life” is only part of the equation of finding
love. If you’ve been single or attracting incompatible partners for a while, you likely have blocks blocking you from your highest love. Until these blocks are addressed, simply “living your life” will not change
Myth #3: Love should happen naturally
The desire to find love “naturally” is very Asian (probably elsewhere too). Many people in Asia have a romanticized notion of love and refuse to take a
proactive stance in love because they feel it’s “unnatural” and “abnormal.”
What is “natural” though?
- Not taking deliberate action to find love
- Finding someone in your “normal” environment,
like work, school, church, or existing social network
- Not online dating, not arranged dating, not blind dates, not singles
- Not taking courses to find love
- Pretending you don’t care about your love life when you do
- Even if you do take deliberate action, masquerade
it such that it doesn’t look deliberate. For example: Pretend to accompany your friend to a party when you really want to meet girls/guys. Go to an event and feign interest when you’re really there for dates.
with “naturally” is you’re a goner if you don’t meet anyone compatible in your “natural” environment.
Say you haven’t met anyone in school, and your current workplace has no compatible matches (e.g.,
everyone is already married or it’s flooded with males/females against your favor), that’s the end. Most people spend 10 hours in their jobs each day, rest and spend time with family / old friends in the weekend, rinse and repeat. Unless
you switch jobs every six months or your job inherently lets you meet a flock of new people regularly(most jobs don’t), you ain’t gonna meet anyone by sticking to your routine.
Example: Female in
Accounting, Surrounded by Females Every Day
I’ve a good friend in accounting, and that was what she faced.
I don’t know about other countries but here, accounting is a female-dominated career. Whatever few males are usually
married, while there are a ton of females. Every year, there’s a new batch of young (female) graduates who enter the accounting field, so basically there’s a never-ending flood of women. (To give you an idea, 75% of Singapore ACCA members are female! ACCA is the global body for professional accountants.)
So, my friend started checking out random singles events with a fun, open attitude. She started this in her mid-20s, whilst
most people only do so in their late 20s / early 30s (when social pressure weighs down on them). Didn’t meet anyone, but hey, it was good for the experience!
When her friend suggested setting her up with her other friend, she thought, Why
not? Just meet as friends. Doesn’t have to lead to anything. And that she did. She and the guy hit it off, and became a couple after a few weeks. Then three years of dating. Last year, they got married.
If my friend hadn’t
moved out of her “zone,” she wouldn’t have met her husband. If you ask me, they are one of the most compatible couples I know. And it all started from venturing out of her “natural” space to meet new people and
possibly find love.
Truth: Your (future) partner isn’t going to jump out of your television set. If you haven’t been meeting anyone compatible, it may be time to change things up. Getting out there to meet new people, exploring personal
interests (that let you meet others), and checking out new dating channels are places to start.
Myth #4: All good men/women are taken
While I was single, sometimes I wondered if all the good men were taken. I never held this
thought for long though, because I believed in the abundance mindset. Just as there are great guys who are married, there are many great guys who are single too.
And then I met Ken, and I thought he is the best guy I could have ever met. However, before
Ken, I kept meeting incompatible guys. This proved to me that there are amazing people out there who are single, and just because you don’t see them (yet) doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
If you think about it, there
are seven billion people in the world. So assume you’re 30~35, female, and looking for a guy between 35 and 45. Assuming 50% gender split, proportional distribution
between ages 15 and 64, and 38% singlehood rate for guys in your target ages, that leaves you with 0.18 billion
guys in your range.
Let’s say you have some specific criteria (personality, religion, race, height, whatever) and only 0.01% of these guys match the criteria. (0.01% = 1 in 10,000.) That leaves you with 0.018 million guys. Or 17,556 guys. Single,
compatible guys. That’s a lot!
And in today’s global world, where everyone is connected and physical space is no longer a real separator, that means it’s easier to meet new people than ever. So it’s no longer an
issue of not having a right match, but rather, how can you ready yourself for your right one? And where can you start finding compatible people?
Now, this is the same for you even if you’re a guy
looking for a girl. (If not relatively easier, because guys do have an advantage vs. women in dating, especially after the age of 30.) In fact, my recent client (male) just got into a stable relationship with a very nice lady — and it looks
like she may well be the one! 🙂 Here’s an email he sent to me two days ago:
He’s usually really deliberate about who he dates and getting into a relationship, so for him
to say the above, that means he’s really serious. I could also feel the difference from how he described her as early as before their first date, and later after their second date, so I’m super happy to see them together and him so happy
in the relationship now. 🙂
My point here is no matter who you are, your age, or your background, there are compatible matches out there for you. There are tons of great single guys and girls out there, and you can’t
say that “all good men/women are taken” when you’re probably basing this on a sample strata that’s no more than 0.001% of the real world.
What next then? It’s then about aligning yourself inside and out to attract
your right one, and subsequently taking positive action to draw him/her in and put things into motion. 🙂 (See above.)
Truth: There are many great singles out there, wanting to meet their right one. If you think otherwise, that’s
just because you haven’t met them yet. Get out there and meet new people! 🙂
Myth #5: I’m never going to find someone
I hear this from so many of my single friends, readers, and clients. And I totally understand
where they come from. Love can be hard. It can be dejecting. And it can be downright frustrating.
Just to lay this straight in case this is the only article you ever read here:
- You don’t need to be in a relationship
to be happy.
- You are complete as yourself.
- The reason you would want to be in a relationship is because it’s a new experience in life, it’s part and parcel of life’s
growth, and being with the right person will help you to evolve in your path (and from you to him/her too).
- Being in a healthy, conscious relationship elevates your life to a whole new level. Ken and I were completely happy prior to meeting each other,
and after getting together we found new dimensions to life that we never knew existed. You may have seen this in other couples as well.
That said, I want to let you know that to you reading this, it’s likely that I don’t
know you (yet). It’s likely that I don’t know your romantic situation (yet). It’s likely that you’ve been fraught with many difficulties in love, been at the brunt of negative relationships before, or have simply not dated
before as you’ve not met the right one.
But — don’t give up! Know that love is a beautiful thing, and it’s something that all of us have in store for us. You, me, everyone.
jaded or skeptical about your love path, just look at the success examples in this post. (There were actually more, but I had to cut them as the post was getting too long. For example, PE reader Rhonda, who’s 50, divorced, but is in a loving
relationship now and heading toward marriage. My friend N, 40, divorced with two kids, but is in a loving relationship now too with a great eligible man who’s ready to take her kids as his own.) Look at the people in your life who have found their
“one” after many years. These are people who were once jaded about love, but found their “one” eventually. The same goes to you too!
All of us are on our individual love paths, so don’t compare
yourself with others. Instead, use others as examples of how you can find love too. Focus your energy on aligning yourself and attracting your best love, as opposed to being skeptical, which will only exude negative energy and attract bad
connections. Clear your love blocks, take proactive action to match your intent for love, and live your best life true to yourself. Then, you will draw your right “one” in.
Truth: Love can be frustrating. It can be confusing.
However, you’re not alone in your struggles. Just like how others have found their best love, you can too. Focus on owning your true power, clearing your love blocks, and taking proactive action to match your intent for love. Then, love will come your
Soulmate Journey: Ready to Take Charge of Your Love Destiny? ♥
Update 28 Feb, 2015: Our class is now FULL and registration is now closed. To be informed of the next run, subscribe to free PE newsletter. Thank you! 🙂
This is part of my Single & Finding Love series: